Exercise Help ?

1.If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A turtle doesn't run, does nothing .. yet lives for 450 years.
TO HELL WITH EXERCISE !!

Eat, drink, sleep and enjoy your weekend!!!

Psychotherapist!

A psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he began to understand why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places.

The sign read:
Psycho-
the-
rapist.

Relatives and Their Definations

Relation	In Asia	Outside Asia
Mother-in-law	A woman capable of making your life miserable.	A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free ?
Husband	A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.	Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.
Friend	A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome.	A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.
Wife	A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.	A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.
Son	A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.	A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.
Daughter	A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage.	A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage.
Father	A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed .	A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.
Indian Engineer	A person with a respectable job and earning lots.	A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.
Doctor	A respectable person with OK income.	A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called 'doctor's wife'.
Bhangra	A vigorous ndian Punjabi festival dance.	A dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.
Software Engineer	A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line.	The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in the US (or whenever)'every year.
A Green Card holder bachelor	the guy can't speak his mother tongue, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.	the guy can't speak proper English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW

One Day Employment!

So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Banks Collapse Wisdom!

A fully naked and drunken woman boards a cab in London one night.

The Indian driver looks and does not start the cab.

Woman : Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before ??

Indian Driver : I am not staring at you lady..... just wondering where you kept money to pay me..!!!

That is what most of the American and European Banks failed to do. i.e. Assessing repayment capacity before enjoying exposure.. !!

Dynamite .

A body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

Global Politics !

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People..

The nanny, we will
consider her the WorkingClass.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep..

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit..'

Psychiatric Therapy!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

Re-Defined !

>1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a
>fool at the other.
>
>2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are
>more popular than a five day test.
>
>3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
>and a woman gains her master!
>
>4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage
>
>5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
>lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of
>either".
>
>6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
>
>7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
>believes he got the biggest piece.
>
>8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
>feminine water-power ..
>
>9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
>
>10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
>everybody disagrees later on.
>
>11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you
>have never felt before.
>
>12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
>
>13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
>
>14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
>
>15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
>
>16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
>actually do.
>
>17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
>decide that nothing can be done together.
>
>18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
>
>19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
>
>20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of
>when dead.
>
>21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you
>actually look forward to the trip.
>
>22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
>into a river.
>
>23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway
>"See I am not injured yet."
>
>24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,
>Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
>
>25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
>
>26. Father : A banker provided by nature.
>
>27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got
>caught.
>
>28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
>early.
>
>29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
>Confidence after.
>
>30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his
>bills.
>
>31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

Mexican Love Story.

Maria was a beautiful Latina who fell in love with Jose.
She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans; she decided to tell her papa.

Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother".
So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo.
But after telling papa again, he said, "Maria there's trouble still. You can not marry Ricardo, Maria. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are both your half-brothers".
Maria had no choice but to go to her mama, but she already knew and Said "Maria, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa."

White As Ghost !

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one
of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over
toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned
around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he
said, "Small world!"

Man Blessed 2 Women.

> A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
> stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
> "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in *
>
> *8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. *
>
> *I want her to know what I go through, so please
> allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
>
> God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next
> morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. *
>
> *He arose, cooked** **breakfast** **for his mate, awakened the kids, *
>
> *Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, *
>
> *Drove them to school, came home and** **picked up
> the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners *
>
> *And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, *
>
> *Then drove home to put away the groceries,*
>
> *Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. *
>
> *He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. *
>
> *Then it was already **1 P.M.** and he hurried to make the beds,
> do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
> Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
> them on the way home.*
>
> * Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
> homework,*
>
> *Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
>
> At **4:30** he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
> breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
> After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
> laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At **9 P.M.** he was
> exhausted
> and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was
> expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
> The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
> Lord,
> I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
> able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
> The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, *
>
> *"My son, I feel you have learned
> your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they
were.
> You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last
night."

Father Knows Best.

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Kids Thoughts!

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10

Home is where the house is. --Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally --but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15

Male/ Female Definations.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger." male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Jokes Revenge

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?
Rename the file folder 'instructions manuals'

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
Because men just won't stop and ask for directions

When does a woman care for a man's company?
When he owns it

What is it that all men in singles' bars have in common?
They're married

Why do little boys whine all the time?
Because they are practising to be men

What do you give the man who has everything?
A woman to show him how it all works

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
Because they're stuck in adolescence

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year the dog's still excited to see you

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest, with a sharp knife

How many of the world's honest, intelligent, caring men does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them

What's the difference between men and a good wine?
The wine matures

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted

What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg while you vacuum

What's the difference between a man and ET?
ET phoned home

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because these men already have boyfriends

How do men sort their laundry?
'Filthy' and 'filthy but wearable'

Why do men whistle while they are sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe

Wife Vs Husband -Good One.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not

saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words

women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to

repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here

and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just

wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in

the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed

says.........."HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and

were giving each

other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that

the next day,

he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early

morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),

he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she

would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and

see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece

of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Brave French Pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.


"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,

"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Letter Between Husband And Wife.

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, pls manage.
Your husband
Allen

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items…

5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!

Your Sweet Heart
Josphen

Intelligent Paki!

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars in Britain

Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend .

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.

Ahmed says, "Look at your sign, . It says, "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

British, who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money.

You will still have no job and a large family.

Now look at my sign."

So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads:

"I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan"

More Heights 2!

1. What is height of Fashion?
Ans : Dhoti with a zip .

2. What is height of Secrecy?
Ans : Offering blank visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness?
Ans : Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Craziness?
Ans : Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Ans : Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

6. What is height of Stupidity?
Ans : A person looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

7. What is height of Honesty?
Ans : A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

8. What is height of Suicide?
Ans : A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

9. What is height of De-hydration?
Ans : A cow giving milk powder.

10. What is Height of Kanjoosi ?
Ans : Banta's house has caught fire and he is giving miss calls to the Fire brigade!!!

21st Century Redefined

The 21st Century Defined...

Our communication - Wireless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our faith - Godless

Our labor - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feeling - Heartless

Our politics - Clueless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our boss - Brainless

Our dress - Topless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Much less

Amazing Facts.

1. Saturday mail delivery in Canada was eliminated by Canada Post on February 1, 1969!

2. In Tokyo , a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes!

3. There are 18 different animal shapes in the Animal Crackers cookie zoo!

4. Should there be a crash, Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane as a precaution!

5. Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second!

6. The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card!

7. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos!

8. There is one slot machine in Las Vegas for every eight inhabitants!

9. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off!

10. Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!

11. The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!

12. Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating!

13. Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

14. One car out of every 230 made was stolen last year!

15. The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!

16. Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia !

17. The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men with their hands on each other's shoulders!

18. When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second!

19. A Boeing 747 airliner holds 57,285 gallons of fuel!

20. A car uses 1.6 ounces of gas idling for one minute. Half an ounce is used to start the average automobile!

21. The Philadelphia mint produces 26 million pennies per day!

22. A lightning bolt generates temperatures five times hotter than those found at the sun's surface!

23. A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood!

24. It is estimated that 4 million "junk" telephone calls, phone solicitations by persons or programmed machine are made every day in the United States !

25. It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

26. Forest fires move faster uphill than downhill!

27. Almost half the newspapers in the world are published in the United States and Canada !

28. The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows!

29. Most lipstick contains fish scales!

30. Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands when typing!

31. One ragweed plant can release as many as one billion grains of pollen!

32. It's illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you're sitting on a curb in St. Louis !

33. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum!

34. No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!

35. A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein!

36. Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!

37. There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building !

38. If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion!

39. Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive!

40. A crocodile always grows new teeth to replace the old teeth!

41. The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!

42. Clinophobia is the fear of beds!

43.. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second!

44. Porcupines float in water!

45. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye"!

46. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog." uses every letter of the alphabet!

47. The average life span of a major league baseball is 5-7 pitches!

48. The Mint once considered producing doughnut-shaped coins!

49. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable" !

50. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds! During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants!

51. Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food!

52. Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

53. The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old!

54. In space, astronauts cannot cry properly, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow down their faces!

55. There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!

56. About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!

57. More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones!

58. A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.!

59. Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe !

60. Slugs have 4 noses!

61. Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!

62. Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!

63. Owls are one of the only birds who can see the color blue!

64. The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year!

65. It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland !

66. There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses!

67. Honeybees have a type of hair on their eyes!

68. There are over 58 million dogs in the U.S!

69. Dogs and cats consume over $11 billion worth of pet food a year!

70. Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

71. Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year!

72. In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter. "!

73. Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate!

74. A fetus develops fingerprints at eighteen weeks!

75. The fear of vegetables is called Lachanophobia!

76. There are approximately fifty Bibles sold each minute across the world!

77. Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum!

78. A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day!

79. Honolulu is the only place in the United States that has a royal palace!

80. One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately one million gallons of fresh water!

81. More money is spent on gardening than on any other hobby!

82. In 32 years. there are about 1 billion seconds!

83. Rice paper does not have any rice in it!

84. Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day!

85. In England , in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word!

86. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

87. The blesbok, a South African antelope, is almost the same color as grapejuice!

88. The average person laughs 13 times a day!

89. Dogs can hear sounds that you cant!

90. Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!

91. It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them!

92. Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, "Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words -- none of them with the letter E!

93. Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions!

94. A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!

95. Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States !

96. An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards!

97. The most used letter in the English alphabet is 'E', and 'Q' is the least used!

98. There are more than 50,000 earthquakes throughout the world every year!

99. The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'!

100. Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed.. . or is that paws?!

101. The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven!

102. Nose prints are used to identify dogs, just like humans use fingerprints!

103. Bulls are colorblind, therefore will usually charge at a matador's waving cape no matter what color it is -- be it red or neon yellow!

104. Apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the mornings!

105. Smelling bananas and/or green apples (smelling, not eating) can help you lose weight!

106. A hard working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day. Most of the sweat evaporates before a person realizes it's there, though!

107. The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons!

108. The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people!

109. In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!

Amazing Sardar

The travelling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Sardar.'

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it..

Standing next to it was a middle aged Sardar.

Suddenly, the Sardar dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male equipment and - crack, crack, crack - smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the Sardar was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, 'Don't Miss The Amazing Sardar '

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket.

Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Sardar stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and - thud, thud, thud - smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild!

Amazed, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Sardar 'but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Oye Puttar', said the Sardar. 'Ye to umr ka takaza hai. Ab mai buddha ho gaya hoon'

Salesman is puzzled, says "But Prahji, what has it got to do with age?

Sardar "Oye khotey, my eyesight is now bad.............. I can't see the walnuts"

Test Of Wills.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill! her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Condom Packs Mystery.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, ! one for March."

Bronze Statue .

A French tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.

Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike,

Life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag,

But is so striking he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the

Story,"says the owner.

The tourist gives the man twelve dollars.

"I'll just take the rat,you can keep the story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat,

He notices that a few real rats crawl out of the alleys

And sewers and begin following him down the street.

This is disconcerting; he begins walking faster.

But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind

Him grows to hundreds, and they begin squealing.

He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see

That the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and are still

Squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay

And throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he

Can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay

After it, and are all drowned.

**

The man walks back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," says the owner, "You have come back for the

Story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a

a statue of a European , Asian , African and American politician in bronze!!

Secret Of The Packet.

When the boy was returning after his marriage, he found his wife holding a small packet; The boy asked..whats there in that packet..

Wife replied..darling this is the secret of my life. pls never open it or ask me about it further..otherwise our marriage will be in trouble..

The couple spent their days happily..but the boy was very keen to know what was there in that small packet..

After some days the boy again told..darling after marrying you , i got the woman of my dream.but tell me what that packet is.it wll never affect our relationship. .as i love u more than my life..but wife only told that i also love u more than my life..thats why telling u not to ask about that..

After some d ays wife went to her own house and forgot to take her packet.then the boy couldn't control himself.and opened that packet.!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!

He was shocked to open that..there was 30 rupees.and 2 wheat grains..in that packet..the boy couldn't understand what it was.and how it could affect their marriage life.

Then when his wife returned .he burst into laughter and told darling what is this..and how it could have affected our relationship. whatever may be..u have to tell me about the secret.

The wife replied.

That's not good..any way.if u have already finalised to know thesecret ..here it.

Before marriage ..each time i made love with any guy.i put a wheat grain in that packet to realise that i have done a mistake. ..

The boy saw those two wheat grains..and after waiting for two minutes told.. Its ok.everybody makes mistake .

I still love u because u told me the truth.. But what is that 30 rupees. ..the boy fainted when the wife replied.

Wife said..that's the price of 1 kg wheat i sold just before marriage!!!! !

New Zealand Cow.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stopped giving milk.

The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in New Zealand quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from New Zealand land it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in New Zealand?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow over from New Zealand.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in New Zealand ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from New Zealand."

Chinese Detective.

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese
detective...the cheapest one he could find.

This is his report...

Most honorable sir!

You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,

Cheng Lee

Irony At Its Best.

90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
Over a million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.

Secret Mantra for Bigger Boobs and Bigger Cock. Dr Smith Revelation.

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' "

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock................"

Letter of Recommendation.

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Regards, Project Leader KEEP READING... Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader: Sorry, but that idiot w! as reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment. Regards, Project Leader

Words of Wisdom for Women.

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

Nun

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLYGIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN
THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. . SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL ANd ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO '.

Another Parrot.

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her. Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her. Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval. Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be. Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever wan! t on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car." Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."