Economics Made Simple!

Mary is the proprietor of a bar in Dublin.

She realises that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar – she will go broke.

To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around about Mary’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Mary’s bar.

Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Dublin. – All is starting to look rosy.
By providing her customers’ freedom from immediate payment demands, Mary gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Mary’s gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Mary’s borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into Drinkbonds and Alkibonds. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets.

The new investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as ‘AAA’ secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. They have had a “rating house” certify they are of good quality.

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Mary’s bar. He so informs Mary.

Mary then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Mary cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. So she now is broke

The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, Drinkbonds and Alkibonds drop in price by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank’s liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Mary’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms’ pension funds in the various Bond securities.

They find they are now faced with having to write-off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion Euro no-strings-attached cash infusion from their cronies in government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Mary’s bar.

Now, do you understand economics in 2011?

Marital Bliss

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks,

but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

but you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

Fluctuations.

>> I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this.
>>
>> I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
>>
>> There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying
>> to exchange yen for dollars.
>>
>> It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,
>> "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only
>> get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
>>
>> The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
>>
>> The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Anger Management

> When you occasionally have a really bad day,
> And you just need to take it out on someone,
> Don't take it out on someone you know,
> Take it out on someone you don't know,
> But you know deserves it.
>
> I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
> A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
>
> I found the number and dialed it.
>
> A man answered, saying
> 'Hello..'
>
> I politely said,
> 'This is Rick
> Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
>
> Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
> 'Get the right f***ing number!'
> And the phone was slammed down on me.
>
> I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
>
> When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
> To call her,
> I found that I had accidentally transposed
> The last two digits.
>
> After hanging up with her,
> I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
>
> When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
> 'You're an asshole!'
> And hung up.
>
> I wrote his number down
> With the word 'asshole' next to it,
> And put it in my desk drawer.
>
> Every couple of weeks,
> When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
> I'd call him up and yell,
> 'You're an asshole!'
>
> It always cheered me up.
>
> When Caller ID was introduced,
> I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
> Calling would have to stop.
>
> So, I called his number and said,
> 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
> I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
> Caller ID Program?'
>
> He yelled
> 'NO!'
> And slammed down the phone.
>
> I quickly called him back and said,
> 'That's because you're an asshole!'
> And hung up.
>
> One day I was at the store,
> Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
>
> Some guy in a black BMW
> Cut me off and pulled into the spot
> I had patiently waited for.
>
> I hit the horn and yelled
> That I'd been waiting for that spot,
> But the idiot ignored me.
>
> I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
> So I wrote down his number.
>
> A couple of days later,
> Right after calling the first asshole
> (I had his number on speed dial)
> I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
>
> I said,
> 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes, it is.'
>
> I then asked,
> 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
> It's a yellow ranch style house
> And the car's parked right out in front.'
>
> I asked,
> 'What's your name?'
>
> He said,
> 'My name is Don Hansen.'
>
> I asked,
> 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
>
> He said,
> 'I'm home every evening after five.'
>
> I said,
> 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes?'
>
> I said,
> 'Don, you're an asshole!'
>
> Then I hung up,
> And added his number to my speed dial, too.
>
> Now, when I had a problem,
> I had two assholes to call.
>
> Then I came up with an idea...
>
> I called asshole #1.
>
> He said,
> 'Hello'
>
> I said,
> 'You're an asshole!'
> (But I didn't hang up.)
>
> He asked,
> 'Are you still there?'
>
> I said,
> 'Yeah!'
>
> He screamed,
> 'Stop calling me'
>
> I said,
> 'Make me.'
>
> He asked,
> 'Who are you?'
>
> I said,
> 'My name is Don Hansen.'
>
> He said,
> 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
>
> I said,
> 'Asshole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
> A yellow ranch style home and
> I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
>
> He said,
> 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
> And you had better start saying your prayers.'
>
> I said,
> 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
> And hung up.
>
> Then I called Asshole #2.
>
> He said,
> 'Hello?'
>
> I said,
> 'Hello, asshole,'
>
> He yelled,
> 'If I ever find out who you are...'
>
> I said,
> 'You'll what?'
>
> He exclaimed,
> 'I'll kick your ass'
>
> I answered,
> 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
> I'm coming over right now.'
>
> Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
> Saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax ,
> to kill my
> gay lover.
>
> Then I called Channel 7 News
> about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax ..
>

> I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
>
> I got there just in time to watch two assholes
> beating the crap out of each other
> in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
> and surrounded by a news crew.
>
> NOW I feel much better.
>
> Anger management really does work.

The Loyal Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after-life with me.' And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died . . . He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband.' The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.' 'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?' 'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Little Johnny Back!

Word fun

Little Johnny's teacher had a new game for the children. She would pick a word and have the children make a sentence out of it. She had to be careful because she knew that Lil' Johnny would try and turn this into something dirty, as he had done so many times before.

She chose the word "fascinate".

Knowing that Johnny could not possibly mess this one up, she called on him first. Johnny said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her boobs were so big she could only fasten eight."

After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnny's turn again.

This time the word was "urinate".

The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnny.

Johnny said, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."

Potentiality and Reality

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentially'
and 'reality'?"

Dad: "I will show you" Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep
with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?

Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!

Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million
dollars?

Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom
Cruise for 1 million dollars"?

Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I
would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son,
'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are
living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay!

Congratulations!

Congratulations

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Little Johnny Again.

Johnny walked into class with a black eye

Teacher: what’s wrong?

Johnny : our house is very small.
Me, my mom, my dad we sleep on the same bed.

Last night my dad asked, 'Johnny are u sleeping?
When I said No, he slaped my face and gave me a Black eye"

Teacher: the next time when your dad asks if you're sleeping , keep dead quiet and don’t answer

The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe+ SEVERE + black eye again..

Teacher: My goodness why the black eye again?
Johnny: Dad asked me again, Johnny are you sleeping? And I shut up n kept dead still.

Then my dad and my mom started moving,
You know at the same time Mom was breathing erratically,
Kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed.

Then my dad asked my mom, are you coming?

Mom said: Yes I’m coming, are u coming too?

Dad answered: Yes !!!

They don’t usually go anywhere without me

So I said, wait for me, I'm also coming...

In Heaven!

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."

Why cannot smoke here!

Salesgirl: sorry sir you can't smoke here.
Customer: but I bought cigarette from this shop.
Salesgirl: we also sell condom, but does not mean that customers can use it here in the shop.

Tiger'S First Night

3 days before his wedding Tiger goes to a prostitute for sex. She bites his penis. He visits a doctor who puts dressing all around his penis with tape.

On first night wife says: Here totally fresh unused pussy for you.

Tiger: What You talk about fresh, here the packing is still not opened.

WIFE

• Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your money or life; the wives want both!
• Every wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband! "Miss" for 1 hour and "stress" for the rest 23 hours!
• Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out.
• No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life: (1) Mobile (2) Automobile (3) TV (4) Wife. Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.
• Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?` Google search result, ‘Good day sir, Even we are searching’.
• Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
• Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!
• Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.
• A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.
• It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she is in love the most; and when a man does that, the slide show begins.
• It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home – A Good Maid!
• Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt: All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen of them.

Smart Sardarni

Santa: Bhabiji ka naam kya hai? ( What is Her Name)
Banta: Google Kaur
Santa: Eh? Ye kya naam hai? ( What is this Name)
Banta: Ek sawaal karo, dus jawaab milega ( Ask her one question and she returns a thousand answers)

SIMPLE TRUTH !

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats"

But, none of them come and touches the man's dick and says "Good Job".

Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated"

W.I.F.E

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"

She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, F..k, Etc."

Love Poems Written By Husband and Wife.

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

Why R Wedding Dresses White?

A son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

The Vibrator

> >
> >As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
> >door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
> >within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
> >with a vibrator.
> >
> >Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
> >
> >The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years
> >old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
> >I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
> >leave me alone.'
> >
> >The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
> >coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
> >door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
> >daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
> >
> >To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
> >said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
> >thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
> >husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
> >
> >A couple days later, the wife came home from a
> >shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
> >counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
> >of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed
> her husband sitting on the couch,
>
> >downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
>
> >
>
> >The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
>
> >like crazy.
>
> >
>
> >The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
>
> >
>
> >The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

Man With No Bad Habits!

A man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him.
But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money. Suddenly an idea struck him.

He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar. The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar. The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."


The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good". The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver". The man smiled again.
He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like.

Married Life.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. —————————— —————————— Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come. —————————— —————————— Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! —————————— —————————— Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. —————————— —————————— It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. —————————— —————————— It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives. —————————— —————————— If u r married please ignore this msg, for everyone else: Happy Independence Day —————————— —————————— Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish. —————————— —————————— There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. —————————— —————————— Girlfriends r like chocolates, taste good anytime. Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently. Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there’s no choice. —————————— —————————— Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated? Man: Don’t take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash. —————————— —————————— Prospective husband: Do you have a book called ‘Man, The Master of Women’? Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir. —————————— —————————— Q: Why dogs don’t marry? A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life! —————————— —————————— There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell. —————————— —————————— Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life! —————————— —————————— Q: Why doesn’t law permit a man to marry a second woman? A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence! —————————— —————————— When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. —————————— —————————— After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. —————————— —————————— By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. —————————— —————————— Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. —————————— —————————— The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? —————————— —————————— I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. —————————— —————————— “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” —————————— —————————— “I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” —————————— —————————— “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” —————————— —————————— “I’ve had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children! —————————— —————————— Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up. —————————— —————————— The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… —————————— —————————— You know what I did before I married? Anything wanted to. —————————— —————————— My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. —————————— —————————— A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. —————————— —————————— Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. —————————— —————————— A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” —————————— —————————— “Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!” —————————— —————————— “First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring…soon after….comes Suffer…ing!

Exercise Help ?

1.If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A turtle doesn't run, does nothing .. yet lives for 450 years.
TO HELL WITH EXERCISE !!

Eat, drink, sleep and enjoy your weekend!!!

Psychotherapist!

A psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he began to understand why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places.

The sign read:
Psycho-
the-
rapist.

Relatives and Their Definations

Relation	In Asia	Outside Asia
Mother-in-law	A woman capable of making your life miserable.	A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free ?
Husband	A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.	Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.
Friend	A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome.	A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.
Wife	A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.	A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.
Son	A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.	A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.
Daughter	A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage.	A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage.
Father	A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed .	A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.
Indian Engineer	A person with a respectable job and earning lots.	A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.
Doctor	A respectable person with OK income.	A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called 'doctor's wife'.
Bhangra	A vigorous ndian Punjabi festival dance.	A dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.
Software Engineer	A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line.	The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in the US (or whenever)'every year.
A Green Card holder bachelor	the guy can't speak his mother tongue, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.	the guy can't speak proper English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW

One Day Employment!

So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Banks Collapse Wisdom!

A fully naked and drunken woman boards a cab in London one night.

The Indian driver looks and does not start the cab.

Woman : Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before ??

Indian Driver : I am not staring at you lady..... just wondering where you kept money to pay me..!!!

That is what most of the American and European Banks failed to do. i.e. Assessing repayment capacity before enjoying exposure.. !!

Dynamite .

A body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

Global Politics !

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People..

The nanny, we will
consider her the WorkingClass.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep..

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit..'

Psychiatric Therapy!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

Re-Defined !

>1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a
>fool at the other.
>
>2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are
>more popular than a five day test.
>
>3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
>and a woman gains her master!
>
>4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage
>
>5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
>lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of
>either".
>
>6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
>
>7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
>believes he got the biggest piece.
>
>8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
>feminine water-power ..
>
>9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
>
>10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
>everybody disagrees later on.
>
>11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you
>have never felt before.
>
>12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
>
>13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
>
>14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
>
>15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
>
>16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
>actually do.
>
>17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
>decide that nothing can be done together.
>
>18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
>
>19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
>
>20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of
>when dead.
>
>21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you
>actually look forward to the trip.
>
>22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
>into a river.
>
>23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway
>"See I am not injured yet."
>
>24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,
>Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
>
>25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
>
>26. Father : A banker provided by nature.
>
>27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got
>caught.
>
>28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
>early.
>
>29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
>Confidence after.
>
>30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his
>bills.
>
>31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

Mexican Love Story.

Maria was a beautiful Latina who fell in love with Jose.
She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans; she decided to tell her papa.

Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother".
So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo.
But after telling papa again, he said, "Maria there's trouble still. You can not marry Ricardo, Maria. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are both your half-brothers".
Maria had no choice but to go to her mama, but she already knew and Said "Maria, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa."

White As Ghost !

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one
of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over
toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned
around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he
said, "Small world!"

Man Blessed 2 Women.

> A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
> stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
> "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in *
>
> *8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. *
>
> *I want her to know what I go through, so please
> allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
>
> God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next
> morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. *
>
> *He arose, cooked** **breakfast** **for his mate, awakened the kids, *
>
> *Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, *
>
> *Drove them to school, came home and** **picked up
> the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners *
>
> *And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, *
>
> *Then drove home to put away the groceries,*
>
> *Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. *
>
> *He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. *
>
> *Then it was already **1 P.M.** and he hurried to make the beds,
> do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
> Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
> them on the way home.*
>
> * Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
> homework,*
>
> *Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
>
> At **4:30** he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
> breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
> After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
> laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At **9 P.M.** he was
> exhausted
> and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was
> expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
> The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
> Lord,
> I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
> able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
> The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, *
>
> *"My son, I feel you have learned
> your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they
were.
> You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last
night."

Father Knows Best.

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Kids Thoughts!

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10

Home is where the house is. --Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally --but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15

Male/ Female Definations.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger." male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Jokes Revenge

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?
Rename the file folder 'instructions manuals'

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
Because men just won't stop and ask for directions

When does a woman care for a man's company?
When he owns it

What is it that all men in singles' bars have in common?
They're married

Why do little boys whine all the time?
Because they are practising to be men

What do you give the man who has everything?
A woman to show him how it all works

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
Because they're stuck in adolescence

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year the dog's still excited to see you

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest, with a sharp knife

How many of the world's honest, intelligent, caring men does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them

What's the difference between men and a good wine?
The wine matures

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted

What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg while you vacuum

What's the difference between a man and ET?
ET phoned home

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because these men already have boyfriends

How do men sort their laundry?
'Filthy' and 'filthy but wearable'

Why do men whistle while they are sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe

Wife Vs Husband -Good One.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not

saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words

women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to

repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here

and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just

wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in

the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed

says.........."HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and

were giving each

other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that

the next day,

he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early

morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),

he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she

would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and

see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece

of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."