Marital Bliss

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks,

but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

but you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

Fluctuations.

>> I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this.
>>
>> I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
>>
>> There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying
>> to exchange yen for dollars.
>>
>> It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,
>> "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only
>> get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
>>
>> The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
>>
>> The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Anger Management

> When you occasionally have a really bad day,
> And you just need to take it out on someone,
> Don't take it out on someone you know,
> Take it out on someone you don't know,
> But you know deserves it.
>
> I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
> A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
>
> I found the number and dialed it.
>
> A man answered, saying
> 'Hello..'
>
> I politely said,
> 'This is Rick
> Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
>
> Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
> 'Get the right f***ing number!'
> And the phone was slammed down on me.
>
> I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
>
> When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
> To call her,
> I found that I had accidentally transposed
> The last two digits.
>
> After hanging up with her,
> I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
>
> When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
> 'You're an asshole!'
> And hung up.
>
> I wrote his number down
> With the word 'asshole' next to it,
> And put it in my desk drawer.
>
> Every couple of weeks,
> When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
> I'd call him up and yell,
> 'You're an asshole!'
>
> It always cheered me up.
>
> When Caller ID was introduced,
> I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
> Calling would have to stop.
>
> So, I called his number and said,
> 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
> I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
> Caller ID Program?'
>
> He yelled
> 'NO!'
> And slammed down the phone.
>
> I quickly called him back and said,
> 'That's because you're an asshole!'
> And hung up.
>
> One day I was at the store,
> Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
>
> Some guy in a black BMW
> Cut me off and pulled into the spot
> I had patiently waited for.
>
> I hit the horn and yelled
> That I'd been waiting for that spot,
> But the idiot ignored me.
>
> I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
> So I wrote down his number.
>
> A couple of days later,
> Right after calling the first asshole
> (I had his number on speed dial)
> I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
>
> I said,
> 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes, it is.'
>
> I then asked,
> 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
> It's a yellow ranch style house
> And the car's parked right out in front.'
>
> I asked,
> 'What's your name?'
>
> He said,
> 'My name is Don Hansen.'
>
> I asked,
> 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
>
> He said,
> 'I'm home every evening after five.'
>
> I said,
> 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes?'
>
> I said,
> 'Don, you're an asshole!'
>
> Then I hung up,
> And added his number to my speed dial, too.
>
> Now, when I had a problem,
> I had two assholes to call.
>
> Then I came up with an idea...
>
> I called asshole #1.
>
> He said,
> 'Hello'
>
> I said,
> 'You're an asshole!'
> (But I didn't hang up.)
>
> He asked,
> 'Are you still there?'
>
> I said,
> 'Yeah!'
>
> He screamed,
> 'Stop calling me'
>
> I said,
> 'Make me.'
>
> He asked,
> 'Who are you?'
>
> I said,
> 'My name is Don Hansen.'
>
> He said,
> 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
>
> I said,
> 'Asshole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
> A yellow ranch style home and
> I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
>
> He said,
> 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
> And you had better start saying your prayers.'
>
> I said,
> 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
> And hung up.
>
> Then I called Asshole #2.
>
> He said,
> 'Hello?'
>
> I said,
> 'Hello, asshole,'
>
> He yelled,
> 'If I ever find out who you are...'
>
> I said,
> 'You'll what?'
>
> He exclaimed,
> 'I'll kick your ass'
>
> I answered,
> 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
> I'm coming over right now.'
>
> Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
> Saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax ,
> to kill my
> gay lover.
>
> Then I called Channel 7 News
> about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax ..
>

> I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
>
> I got there just in time to watch two assholes
> beating the crap out of each other
> in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
> and surrounded by a news crew.
>
> NOW I feel much better.
>
> Anger management really does work.

The Loyal Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after-life with me.' And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died . . . He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband.' The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.' 'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?' 'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Little Johnny Back!

Word fun

Little Johnny's teacher had a new game for the children. She would pick a word and have the children make a sentence out of it. She had to be careful because she knew that Lil' Johnny would try and turn this into something dirty, as he had done so many times before.

She chose the word "fascinate".

Knowing that Johnny could not possibly mess this one up, she called on him first. Johnny said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her boobs were so big she could only fasten eight."

After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnny's turn again.

This time the word was "urinate".

The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnny.

Johnny said, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."

Potentiality and Reality

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentially'
and 'reality'?"

Dad: "I will show you" Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep
with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?

Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!

Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million
dollars?

Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom
Cruise for 1 million dollars"?

Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I
would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son,
'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are
living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay!