Police Dog

Never Ending Wife Jokes

*Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.*
  "Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!

  *There are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman.*
  Before Marriage and After Marriage.

  *My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.*
  He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.

  *Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo* and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing...
  Husband: "MISSING YOU"...

 *THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...*
  Women are like phones:
  They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
  But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.......

  *Difference Between Complete & Finish...*
  People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

  *Romantic...SMS She sends the following message:*
  My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams
  If you're smiling, send me your smile
  If you're crying, send me your tears
  I love you
  He Replied: I'm in the toilet. What do I send?
  - - - - - - -

  *There are 3 kinds of men in the world:*
  Some remain single & make wonders happen,
  Some have girlfriends & see wonders happen,
  The rest get married & wonder what happened!?
  <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>* *
  *
The A B C...*
  After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
  He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H....
I, J, K."
  She asks...... "What does that mean?"
  He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.
  She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....
  What about I, J, K?"
  He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
  His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.........
  <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

  At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
  The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Women s Management Skills!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order..."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS ."
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"
"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order." 

Presidents Story.

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle went for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious. The owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could speak to the First Lady in private. President asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, "so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant", to which Michelle responded, "no, if I had married him, he would now be President"

 

Cyanide !

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,

 looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your

husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."  

Book On Elephants

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submitted a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."

The French submitted a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."

The Germans submitted 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submitted an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"

Green-Peace submitted a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"

The Russians submitted a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

Wife Jokes!

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC 
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor...
 .....................................................................
"Husband is one who is the head of the family,

 

but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
........................................................................
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
 ................................................................
 
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

 

It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever
 
...........................................................................
 
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.
 .................................................................
 
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

 

Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
 ...................................................................
 
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..

 

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
 ....................................................................
 
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
 
Husband: A lovely Push...!

Chinese Biz Skills.

A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.

Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy,

"please tell me, what do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."
...and this is why the Chinese own us!

"Business is Business" 

The Nymph Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow for New York and taking his
seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

 He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business interest in this convention?"
 
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she  said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said..

"Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down  

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear  'the rules'
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.  

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1'
ON PURPOSE!

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the  other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both..
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it WILL be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1.. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really ...

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or fishing J

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape..  Round IS a shape! 

Price of a Date !

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an

unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and San Francisco , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,  I wont cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back.'

Marketing Lessons

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

Adultery

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times ! this week

Slip Of Tongue

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"

The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"

Parrot Again.

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this

bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some

pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited

for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,  "New house, new

madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,  but then thought "that's

really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about

the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith

came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith" 

Taxman Cometh

THE TAXMAN COMETH

 At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

 While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

 But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi................

  

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick     

Modern Kama Sutra!

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when You first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been With your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.  This is when you have been with Your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have Sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with Your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F*** you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in The morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.  This is when you cannot stand your Wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex.  You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.