Irish Doctor ( Brings Tears to the Eyes)

IRISH DOCTOR (Brings a tear to the eye)

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". 
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 
"So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the tird one?" asks  the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.

Like a bolt outta the blue, she  tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her  panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I  put drops in her eyes."

Marriage Wisdom

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

Th! e man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

What is in a Name!

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.

Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

Design Debate with God on Women!

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,  Arthur Davidson , died and went to  heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?    Arthur  said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'  God said, 'Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur,  'professional to professional, you have some  major design flaws in your invention !   1.  There's too much inconsistency in the front-end  suspension                            2.  It chatters constantly at high speeds                     3.  Most rear ends are too soft and wobble      about too  much 4.   The intake is placed way too   close to the exhaust   5.  The maintenance costs are      outrageous!!!!       'Hmmmmm,  you may have some good points there,' replied  God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial  supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God  said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers,  more men are riding my invention than yours'.

Eazy Challange.

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

 
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in
the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
 
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."

 
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart
of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but,
your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few
more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE

Begin SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds.... If you are over 35 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test! How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ _NDOM 2. F_ _K 3. P_N_S 4. PU_S_ 5. S_X 6. BOO_S | | | | | | | | | | For Correct Answers:.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? You do NOT have Alzheimer's. You are a Pervert !

More Jokes

I dialed a number and got the following recording:** ** "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." ************************************************** A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother." Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER." ************************************************** What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress. ************************************************** What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?* Stress is when wife is pregnant,* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,* and Panic is when both are pregnant.* ************************************************** A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"* The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints". ************************************************** A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"* Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential." ************************************************** Nominated as the best short joke this year... A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.

Coincidental Cock!

A chicken farmer went to the local bar .... He sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman said: "How strange! I also just ordered a glass of Champagne".

"What a coincidence," said the farmer who adds: "This is a special day for me .... I am celebrating".

"This is a special day for me too, I am celebrating too!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer! As they toast the man asks, "What are you celebrating?" :

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence!" the man said: "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they all laid eggs."

"That's great! Said the woman. How did your hens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he answers.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence."

ABC for Women

After being married for thirty years, a wife asks her husband to describe her.
He looked at her & said,
You're A B C D E F G H I J K.
She asks "what does that mean?"
He said,
ADORABLE, BEAUTIFUL, CUTE, DELIGHTFUL, ELEGANT, FOXY, GORGEOUS, HOT.
She smiled happily & said ...."oh thats so lovely.... what about I, J, K?"
He said,
I'm Just Kidding!.
The swelling in his eye is going down & the doctors are fairly sure they can save his testicles.

Adult Education

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends

and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage..

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favourite!

WRINKLES:

Something other people have,

Similar to my character lines.

Teachers Presents

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted
fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

Interesting Questions!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do doctors leave the room while you change?They're going to see you naked anyway... Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?  Why does a round pizza come in a square box?  What disease did cured ham actually have?  How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?  Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?  Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?  Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?  Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?  Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?  Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four  billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles  for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses  are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?  Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light  fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?  In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE.........  The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Virgins Confession after 10th Marriage!

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please
be gentle; I'm still a Virgin ".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back
with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of
the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it.....
God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT " This time I KNOW I'M going to get screwed."

Biology Exam.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.

Little Johnny Again with Cats!

You gotta love him!  Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?  Johnny: Seven, Sir.   Teacher: No, listen carefully...If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?  Johnny: Seven, Sir.   Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?  Johnny: Six.   Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?  Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!   A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?  A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fuckin' cat!!!

Ageing

 HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY
OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T
LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . .
YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS
ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN
THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS
DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I
REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME
HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS
AGO.

COULD HE BE
THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
THEN?

UPON SEEING
HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING,
GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE
BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE
EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
MORGAN PARK HIGH
SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I
DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU
GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED,
'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN
MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT
ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT
UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED
FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH??

Snoring Solution!

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help..

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
 
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.  The woman is amazed...

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
 
The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were ... or what we did .... 

But, we took FIRST and SECOND place!