Irish Doctor ( Brings Tears to the Eyes)

IRISH DOCTOR (Brings a tear to the eye)

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". 
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 
"So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the tird one?" asks  the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.

Like a bolt outta the blue, she  tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her  panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I  put drops in her eyes."

Marriage Wisdom

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

Th! e man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

What is in a Name!

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.

Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

Design Debate with God on Women!

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,  Arthur Davidson , died and went to  heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?    Arthur  said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'  God said, 'Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur,  'professional to professional, you have some  major design flaws in your invention !   1.  There's too much inconsistency in the front-end  suspension                            2.  It chatters constantly at high speeds                     3.  Most rear ends are too soft and wobble      about too  much 4.   The intake is placed way too   close to the exhaust   5.  The maintenance costs are      outrageous!!!!       'Hmmmmm,  you may have some good points there,' replied  God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial  supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God  said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers,  more men are riding my invention than yours'.

Eazy Challange.

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

 
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in
the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
 
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."

 
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart
of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but,
your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few
more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE

Begin SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds.... If you are over 35 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test! How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ _NDOM 2. F_ _K 3. P_N_S 4. PU_S_ 5. S_X 6. BOO_S | | | | | | | | | | For Correct Answers:.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? You do NOT have Alzheimer's. You are a Pervert !

More Jokes

I dialed a number and got the following recording:** ** "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." ************************************************** A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother." Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER." ************************************************** What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress. ************************************************** What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?* Stress is when wife is pregnant,* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,* and Panic is when both are pregnant.* ************************************************** A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"* The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints". ************************************************** A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"* Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential." ************************************************** Nominated as the best short joke this year... A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.

Coincidental Cock!

A chicken farmer went to the local bar .... He sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman said: "How strange! I also just ordered a glass of Champagne".

"What a coincidence," said the farmer who adds: "This is a special day for me .... I am celebrating".

"This is a special day for me too, I am celebrating too!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer! As they toast the man asks, "What are you celebrating?" :

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence!" the man said: "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they all laid eggs."

"That's great! Said the woman. How did your hens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he answers.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence."

ABC for Women

After being married for thirty years, a wife asks her husband to describe her.
He looked at her & said,
You're A B C D E F G H I J K.
She asks "what does that mean?"
He said,
ADORABLE, BEAUTIFUL, CUTE, DELIGHTFUL, ELEGANT, FOXY, GORGEOUS, HOT.
She smiled happily & said ...."oh thats so lovely.... what about I, J, K?"
He said,
I'm Just Kidding!.
The swelling in his eye is going down & the doctors are fairly sure they can save his testicles.

Adult Education

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends

and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage..

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favourite!

WRINKLES:

Something other people have,

Similar to my character lines.