Congratulations!

Congratulations

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Little Johnny Again.

Johnny walked into class with a black eye

Teacher: what’s wrong?

Johnny : our house is very small.
Me, my mom, my dad we sleep on the same bed.

Last night my dad asked, 'Johnny are u sleeping?
When I said No, he slaped my face and gave me a Black eye"

Teacher: the next time when your dad asks if you're sleeping , keep dead quiet and don’t answer

The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe+ SEVERE + black eye again..

Teacher: My goodness why the black eye again?
Johnny: Dad asked me again, Johnny are you sleeping? And I shut up n kept dead still.

Then my dad and my mom started moving,
You know at the same time Mom was breathing erratically,
Kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed.

Then my dad asked my mom, are you coming?

Mom said: Yes I’m coming, are u coming too?

Dad answered: Yes !!!

They don’t usually go anywhere without me

So I said, wait for me, I'm also coming...

In Heaven!

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."

Why cannot smoke here!

Salesgirl: sorry sir you can't smoke here.
Customer: but I bought cigarette from this shop.
Salesgirl: we also sell condom, but does not mean that customers can use it here in the shop.

Tiger'S First Night

3 days before his wedding Tiger goes to a prostitute for sex. She bites his penis. He visits a doctor who puts dressing all around his penis with tape.

On first night wife says: Here totally fresh unused pussy for you.

Tiger: What You talk about fresh, here the packing is still not opened.

WIFE

• Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your money or life; the wives want both!
• Every wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband! "Miss" for 1 hour and "stress" for the rest 23 hours!
• Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out.
• No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life: (1) Mobile (2) Automobile (3) TV (4) Wife. Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.
• Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?` Google search result, ‘Good day sir, Even we are searching’.
• Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
• Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!
• Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.
• A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.
• It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she is in love the most; and when a man does that, the slide show begins.
• It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home – A Good Maid!
• Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt: All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen of them.